Putting "Happy" on Hold...

So I've had this topic on my mind lately, well for a while, I can't remember when I could genuinely say I was "happy" it seems like I'm waiting for it to fall on my lap one of these days.

I feel like its hard for girls to do the right thing for themselves, and get themselves where they need to be in their lives. I want to know why we put emotions first, sometimes other peoples' in front of our own, because we feel sorry for them, because we just don't want to hurt them with the truth, or whatever other excuse we tell ourselves to convince ourselves to stay in a place in our lives that we know is not making us fully happy.

I'm not writing this blog to put anyone's business out there, it comes from general observations and experiences. For example, I'm sure every girl has that one friend that's been with her no good scumbag boyfriend and she keeps saying if he does just "one more thing" she'll leave him, or "it's cuz i need more proof" UMMM NO! if u even have that doubt in your head you should keep it real and go. Now I know that's easier said than done, but there was something I watched on the Tyra show the other day that made sense.

She was in an abusive relationship (her boyfriend was verbally and psychologically abusive and I think controlling too) and so she knew she had to get out but that it was gonna be hard, so she planned it out. She separated herself physically first (went away on work) and then broke up with him over the phone. She had made up her mind it had to be done and prepared herself mentally for it. That makes a lot of sense. Sometimes guys will try to win you over by promising you a complete 360 but ladies if that were the truth it would happen on its own not with you practically with one foot out the door! If he feels he needs to change cuz you forced him too then he needs to go and change and look for you when and only when he's a CHANGED person, because guess what? it probably won't happen overnight and you'll still be putting up with shit until it happens!

And ladies shit will only get harder as time goes by and maybe you have a kid, or if you have one another one will come. I wish there were more things out there that empowered women and sent out the message that its ok for us to speak our minds, and be single moms (i'm not a mom but I feel like theres a stigma still), and be hard workers and that you don't need a man next to you.

I know with Latinas its a culture thing. Your mom and tias want to see you married with a child by 30, but ladies I say this, if you were to die tomorrow would your spirit be happy with the way you lived your life? Or did you live it to keep others content?

I know I don't do a lot of things because I don't want to make my boyfriend mad, I don't want to let mami down, or my grammy, they are so proud, I feel like I can't afford to make any mistakes. And its sad because that's what life is about, but I'm so preocupied with trying not to let anyone down that it feels like I'm failing myself in a sense.

I'm not preaching just to preach, this is something I'm struggling with at the moment. I want to have the will power to do WHATEVER it is I feel like doing but I feel like my life is on hold...AND it shouldn't be! I'm only 22 at my prime I should have BEEN living and having fun, but for some reason the only person thats in control of that...ME, hasn't made the necessary changes in my own life to feel completely HAPPY, whatever that may mean.

It could be something as simple as I feel like going to the beach right now why don't I go?
I feel like eating cheesecake why not?

lol, I feel like women deprive themselves of the smallest little joys in life because we are too preocupied with other crap more often than not needy boyfriends, families, and maybe even kids.

just a thought. might continue later.